my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
NoShamevember. You game?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
