The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
