It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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