so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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