he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
