Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
