Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
