Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
