A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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