Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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