I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
