i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
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Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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