mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Randomize
