My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
