it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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