Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
there is glitter all over my balls
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