Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
