He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
