I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
