I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
