Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
