So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
