Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
