You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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