I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
