I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
