any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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