So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Im part way to drunk.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
