ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
