I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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