Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
