Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
