in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
