Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
