Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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