dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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