The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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