I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
