One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
