I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
