seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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