She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
