BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
