im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
