I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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