it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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