I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
