drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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