Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sorry about my life...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
