My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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