I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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