the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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