I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
