You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
