god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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