Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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