My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
