Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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