first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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