I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All I want is dick and wine.
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