oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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