i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
