About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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