So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
